Stuck in a Slump

Do you ever reach the point where you feel like nothing’s getting better? Not that anything is really wrong. But it’s just not getting better.

I feel like I’m stuck in one endless rerun. Everything’s the same and nothing ever changes. Like where’s the spark? Where’s the zest? Where’s the life?

Since I’ve been doing this stay at home mom thing, I feel like life is one big meh. Just stuck in the house, going through the motions.

Don’t get me wrong. The benefits are amazing. I get more time with my girls. I’m free and available to go to my oldest’s school events and things. I get to be there to experience all the moments. I’m not a slave to a work schedule.

But I guess I never really considered the downside. The times when I just feel useless or taken for granted. The times when I feel like I never get any adult interaction or just not enough. When I feel like all I ever do is sit in the house. When I feel like I’ve lost me in the midst of it.

How do I find her again? Just me. Not mom, or his so, or somebody’s something. Just me. Real, raw, live in living color. How can I find a sense of fulfilment outside of the things that leave me attached to others. I know I’m a wonderful mother, but I want more. I’m a good friend, but I want more. I’m a decent girlfriend….I know, I know. I’m working on it. I’m an amazing sibling, but I want more.

Starting a journey to reclaim me, but where to start….Tips? Advice? I’m open to anything. 

Feel like a lot of people missed the just because someone wants to jump off a cliff doesn’t mean you have to follow them speech.

Be original. Think for yourself. 

Fighting My Child’s Battles

*sigh* can a school year go by without something happening with my child at school?!!! Before you get the wrong impression, no she’s not a problem child. I can’t claim to know how she acts when I’m not around her…..buuutttt she acts tough (not in a bully way), with no follow through.

But anyways, her dad calls me and is like “The nurse called and said some boy pushed her”. *tires screeching* 

Now I’m ready to ride to the school and beat some ass..even though school’s been over for at least 3 hours at this point. “So what happened??“. “Some boy pushed her and she may have bumped her head. They kept her in the nurse’s office for a bit”. *heavy silence* *extreme side eyes* “Ok. So what happened with the boy?“. “I’m not sure. The nurse didn’t know the outcome outside of him going to the office”. Mentally: Jesus take the wheel bc I might have to kill a kid and a couple teachers. 

I already don’t really like my daughter’s school and this is just another strike. Like, why didn’t someone in the office call us? I don’t care if it was minor or not. What happened with the boy? Did he get in trouble? Or just taken out of class? Ughhhhhhh. 

But what’s running through the back of my head is: how do I get her to defend herself? For whatever reason, at least once every school year, someone will hit, push, shove her. Don’t ask me why. My first response is always what happened obviously. But silently, it’s where are they so they can catch these hands. Followed with, I’m not about to go to jail for beating somebody’s child. Next, I’m just trying to find out why she didn’t defend herself. (No I’m not asking her to start a fight over it). But I strongly believe that if someone puts their hands on you, you respond in kind. They push you, push them back. Hit you, hit them back, etc. I’ve always been taught to defend myself in a way that the person knows not to mess with me again. Although, I didn’t follow that advice much, but I’ve only been in one fight. (Bc siblings don’t count 😆).

But the reason why not is something I’m stuck at. I can’t say what the reason is this time bc she isn’t home yet, but typically it’s just I don’t know. And it’s not like she can’t defend herself. Bc between her cousins and her I could have a little kid’s WWF. Is it getting in trouble? We’ve assured her if she’s defending herself she won’t be. Is she just scared? I don’t know how to combat that one quite yet honestly. I’m more likely to walk away instead of fighting if the situation doesn’t call for it. Is it from witnessing the aftermath of someone else’s fight? Her cousins are fighters, so this wouldn’t surprise me at all. 

I’m kind of at a loss. How many different ways do you say the same thing? How else do I approach this in a way that sticks? Is this one of those someone else says it and that’s what stays with them things? I’m at a loss and frustrated. This is definitely one of those don’t worry mommy’s got it moments for me. But I can’t. I can’t fight her battles for her. I need her to learn to stand on her own so she’s not helpless when no one else is around. 😧

Can I get a real adult to step in? Let’s tag team this. 

Till the Wheels Fall Off

My truck is a piece of crap. And I’m ready to crash it on purpose. I have been telling my bf for over a year it’s time to get a new one. 

So a couple years ago, my mom gave my bf her truck. (Well me, but I wasn’t driving so I let him have it). It was having some issues and she wasn’t going to pay to have it fixed. I think it needed a new engine or something. But it was paid off so 

Idk what it is with a lot of black people and family/friend/neighborhood mechanics, but we need to break the cycle. Long story short, the truck spent a long time sitting in a garage getting “fixed”. With the amount of money put into it, we could have had a new one. 

Fast forward to today, the truck is always overheating among other things. So if we don’t put water in it before we drive anywhere, might as well be prepared to sit on the of the road. Irritating af. Especially bc I’M the main driver currently. And I don’t know ANYTHING about cars. 

But anyways so today I pick my daughter up from school. I’m literally going through the intersection down the street and around the corner from my house. Maybe 5-8 minutes just bc of the school traffic. When all of a sudden, 

it stops dead center of the intersection. Like it seriously just died on me. I think I used every curse word possible.   Now I’m panicking while trying not to freak my girls out bc I’m imagining us getting smashed to pieces in a crash. Djm. So finally I think to cut the car off and try to turn it back on. 

Thankfully it cuts on and I can drive out the intersection. So I pull over and cut it off. So I call my bf like 

And with a very bland are you ok, this negro proceeds to say this is what I was telling you about earlier. 

NO YOU DIDN’T!!!! I could have skipped this whole near death experience if I had known: a) that once the little thing gets above half I really need to be trying to pull over, and b) that when the car is seriously overheating, everything shuts down so you don’t blow the engine. 

And then to top it off, there was a car accident right next to us. It took everything in me not to punch him in the throat when he came in the door. 

I love that just hopped out the shower, sprawled out on silky sheets feeling. It’s so freeing and relaxing. 

He’s the Fall Guy

So I heard recently about the Fyre Festival craziness. And it has me like 🤔🤔😒 Ja Rule has to be the fall guy. Head liners aside, he’s just not poppin enough right now to really be behind everything. And his name has literally been the first thing I’ve seen attached to everything to do with the Fyre Festival. 

I’m not buying it. 

Somebody else is behind it. On some silent partner type stuff, lost out on money but can’t be held accountable bc nobody knows who the hell they are. Bc a logical person is going to be like who would pay that much for something Ja Rule put together. (I’m not saying he doesn’t have fans). Early 2000s Ja Rule yes, I could def see it. Noooowwww……not so much. 

Post Baby Body Woes

I hate my body. There I said it. I didn’t have the post baby snapback with my 2nd daughter like I did with my 1st. I looked at my body like where tf did my snapback go. I still looked pudgy and like I was in my first trimester. And don’t get me started on all those “you’re pregnant again??!!!!” people. Nah. I just had a baby soooooo.

Needless to say, my body image has rock bottomed. 

Then, add in the stress because life sucks. I’ve been eating my feelings more than ever. And have settled into a pattern of laziness. Every so often I’ll look at my stomach and think of how I need to get it together for my summer 6 pack. Then a few minutes later, I’ll be stuffing my face. I can’t seem to find the motivation to get my butt in shape. I want to, but I have no drive for it. 

I’m over the new Sprint commercials. We get it. You got the old Verizon guy. His whole gimmick is just I used to work for Verizon. Ok and??? Is that it? That’s all you’re good for? Demand a new line bro. It’s getting old.